Alexander wept...

I took my NCMHCE on Monday. I really should have studied for it, but as a working therapist, husband, dad of six who’s trying to get a publishing imprint off the ground…I’ll be honest, I just forgot. The family had just gotten back into town the night before and travelling usually makes me a little queasy so I hadn’t slept well and the hour and a half drive to the testing location didn’t help. When I got there I was frankly exhausted and sick to my stomach. Why didn’t you study? I chastised myself.

I sat down and took the exam quickly. It’s scheduled for 255 minutes and I finished with 96 minutes left on the clock. I signed out, was handed my results, and opened them on the way to the car. Pass.

I blew out a breath of relief and then…A wave of depression hit me. I expected to feel exhilaration, excitement at having passed, a sense of success and achievement but I felt none of that. Now, to be fair, I also finished a book series that morning so I was already in a book hangover that had me down, but somewhere deep inside there was a pain I couldn’t put my finger on.

I told Katie when I got home and she quoted Die Hard, which makes her super hot, “And Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.” Some think it’s Plutarch, but actually it’s Hans Gruber. He misquotes Plutarch who is actually saying that Alexander wept upon hearing from Anaxagorous that there are multiple worlds and he had not fully conquered one. At first I thought that maybe the misquote fit my feelings—maybe I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career with a terminal degree and a terminal license—but then I realized that the actual quote is actually how I feel.

I’ve been working in the field of psychology for 15 years. If I work until I can receive Social Security, then I have 30 years left. The success of this test is like a battlefield promotion. I haven’t won the war, I’ve just taken on more responsibility. In the field of psychology there are nearly infinite worlds to conquer and I now feel even more of a duty to do my part. At the same time, my livelihood and systems of support are under constant threat from government cuts and everyone’s well-meaning solution has been “You’re a good enough therapist that you don’t have to take Medicaid. You could make more money if you only took cash-paying clients.”

I’d like to think I’m a good enough therapist to know that it’s the people on Medicaid who need me the most. See, there’s that duty. I’m tired of the war that I fight every time I show up to work and put my license and my family’s livelihood on the line for people who cancel last minute because they literally don’t have the gas money to get to their appointment only to hear some millionaire in a suit that cost more than my car talk about how tax cuts on the wealthy are somehow going to solve the needs of my clients who are now worried about losing their Medicaid coverage that have despite working full time for some other millionaire in a suit that cost more than my car.

Just a good time to be reminded that we will have trouble, but Christ has overcome this world and whatever other worlds need conquering. Serve with patience.